Why Grand Moff Tarkin would be the best coach for your Star Wars hockey team

by Brett Smith

Earlier this week, ESPN released this monstrosity, put together by deputy editor Paul Grant.

credit: ESPN.com

Of course the Internet was made for shitshows and LOL-not-really-debating pop-culture debates like this. Suffice it to say, I could^* play along and give you my hot take on an All Star Wars hockey lineup – but the more interesting question is: Who do you get to coach such a wretched hive of scum and villainy?

The answer? Grand Moff Tarkin.

Admiral Akbar is obvious choice, having won both the Battle of Yavin (versus G.M. Tarkin) in A New Hope and the Battle of Endor in Jedi. But hold on a second. How exactly were those battles won? If you’re Monday morning quarterbacking the two major battles Adm. Akbar fought, you can’t be happy with what you’ve seen.

At Yavin, the rebels were clearly overmatched and dominated by a cagey veteran: D. Vader. Only an unknown and undrafted prospect whose skills had flown under the radar was able to save the day and fire the game-ending shot.

At Endor, Akbar’s entire plan is founded on the play of his special teams unit led by Skywalker-Solo-Organa. Imperial defenses should have, once again, won the day, but an unlikely alliance with an Ewok franchise – based on a chance meeting! – changed rebel fortunes and led to another big ‘W’. Also, Admiral ‘It’s a trap’ Akbar was getting owned by Imperial forces until the shield generator fell, putting him on the PP and allowing him to make some crucial Third Act adjustments.

On the other hand, Tarkin’s hockey stratagem would clearly be based on solid goaltending (Death Star), solid defense (Star Destroyers), fear and intimidation; you know, Old Time Hockey. Adm. Abkar’s system, on the other hand, would be all pucks around the perimeter and hoping a forward can get into the slot for the opportunity to go five hole.

Yes, Akbar is 2-0 when going against the Intergalactic Empire and maybe that system works in one-offs and short tourneys. But over the long haul of an 82-game season? I’ll take Grand Moff Tarkin behind my bench.

*Putting Capt. Phasma on defense is ridiculous and pandering since there is no precedent for a female defenseman. She obviously belongs between the pipes.